Episode 5
Trust is the Resource (What Does it Cost to Be Free?) ~ With Maru, Erendira, and Kelsey
This is a powerful conversation (between two heretics and a role model!) embracing queries that are relevant to many creatives, like:
“HOW TO BE RESOURCED TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT“
“HOW TO BE RESOURCED TO JUST BE YOU”
and
“WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE FINANCIALLY FREE?”
Maru, Eréndira, and Kelsey offer stories, examples, and perspectives clarified in their years of deprogramming orientations to resource, success, security, and certainty.
They discuss:
- Letting go of metrics of success that were never theirs
- Trajectory shifts from more “safe” and traditional career paths to the trust falls of their work lives now
- The distinction between being intellectually committed to divesting from the stories of capitalism and colonialism verses the actual embodied movement towards that divestment
- Trusting their bodies rather than homogenized stories to guide them to resourcedness
- The romanticization verses the real life experience and sacrifices of “geting free”
🧪 This episode's Lab Partners:
- Maru is a 6/2 Sacral Generator on the Cross of Prevention
- Eréndira is a 5/2 Emotional Manifestor on the Cross of Uncertainty
- Kelsey is a 5/2 Emotional Manifestor on the Cross of Upheaval
You can find more about them and their other lab partners at kelseyrosetort.com/labpartners, including bodygraphs, natal charts, and ways to connect with their work.
💖 Stay tuned: New episodes of LAB PARTNERS are released weekly-ish, usually on the Moon’s day.
Intro & Music by Noah Souder-Russo
Transcript
The laboratory is a space of intimacy and mirroring.
Speaker B:I'm just gonna rip with it and see what wants to come out.
Speaker C:Something's happening.
Speaker A:I was just thinking that a lab partner is someone who I can share my incomplete, uncooked, unfinished work with.
Speaker C:Laboratory feels like laboratory in general is a womb space for all of we.
Speaker A:Are mothering and creation.
Speaker A:I'm having an embodied experience, stretchy like vibrant in this container so far.
Speaker C:Relating in ways that feel energetically congruent.
Speaker A:For me, relating to other people and.
Speaker B:Relating to myself and in collaborative community.
Speaker A:As a human who helped me find the lightness and like the humor.
Speaker C:The creative process is fucking dope.
Speaker C:And also it's fucking like humbling.
Speaker A:To.
Speaker C:Fall apart and be witnessed by all of us.
Speaker A:Laboratory.
Speaker B:A laboratory.
Speaker A:A laboratory is an incubator, a place to generate, to initiate, to guide, to.
Speaker B:Mirror collaboratory, stretching my capacity.
Speaker B:Lab Partners is a behind the scenes conversation series amongst eight folks who are in a season of experimentation with creativity, authenticity, relationship, collaboration and visibility.
Speaker B:We're letting you in on our processes as we unpack them together.
Speaker C:Each of us speak the language of human design and some of us astrology too.
Speaker C:These frameworks for awareness have supported our embodied differentiation and relational understanding.
Speaker C:We invite listeners to observe us through these lenses too.
Speaker A:Today's conversation is between me, Maru a 6:2 sacral generator with the cross of.
Speaker B:Prevention, me Erin Deira, 5:2 emotional manifestor, left angle cross of uncertainty and me.
Speaker C:Kelsey, 5:2 emotional manifestor cross of upheaval.
Speaker A:You can learn about our astrology and the science in the show notes and find even more about us and our other collaborators@kelseyroastort.com love partners.
Speaker C:Yeah, okay.
Speaker C:Does anybody want to remind ourselves and listeners what our intention was, the topical intention for our convo as an entry point?
Speaker A:We were talking about resources last time.
Speaker A:Resourcedness is something that has been coming to mind just like the addition the N E S s at the end, like something that is attained and that is had.
Speaker C:Um.
Speaker A:Yeah, there's a few questions that you put in all caps on the chat last time, Kelsey.
Speaker A:Oh, and they are, how do you save them?
Speaker A:How do you just do whatever you want?
Speaker A:How to be resourced enough to just be you?
Speaker A:How to be resourced enough again to do whatever you want and what does it twice?
Speaker A:Yeah, but I think it's okay because it's a couple ways to go into it and like how does it work?
Speaker A:What does it mean to be financially free?
Speaker C:Oh yeah.
Speaker C:Thank you for saving those and caps reflecting them back at me.
Speaker C:Yeah, Mirroring back my all caps moments.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Okay, So I remember one of.
Speaker C:So, okay, I always am doing this where I'm, like, wanting everybody who's tuning into the conversation to have as much context as possible.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:Like, the linear trajectory to arriving here.
Speaker C:At least per my memories, we were talking about all sorts of shit.
Speaker C:We didn't start a conversation here, but we kind of landed the thread around, like, perception about, like, financial freedom and financial.
Speaker C:Financial freedom, but also, just, like, what it is to be resourced versus, like, the actual.
Speaker C:Our actual lived experiences of that.
Speaker C:And I remember, like, getting heated at one moment and doing an actual verbal expression of all caps around.
Speaker C:Something like.
Speaker C:I think a lot of people are using their perception of themselves as being under resourced as an excuse to not.
Speaker C:Or maybe I didn't say excuse because I don't feel that harshly about it, but, like, as a reason to not lean into the life that they feel that they're meant to be having.
Speaker C:Lean into, like, the creative process.
Speaker C:Lean into creative freedom.
Speaker C:And it's kind of like a.
Speaker C:It can be a fine.
Speaker C:Like, it feels like a little bit of a scary thing sometimes to talk about, like, a heretical thing to talk about because there's a lot of nuance in there.
Speaker C:And I don't ever want to minimize people's lived experience of being under resourced.
Speaker C:And also in my own lived experience, actually being resourced looks really different from how my mind thinks it's supposed to look or thinks it would look.
Speaker C:And if I were still operating from a place of my perception of what being resourced is based on what I was taught it is, and based on conventionally how I'm conditioned to understand resourceness, I would be.
Speaker C:I don't even.
Speaker C:I can't even imagine that life.
Speaker C:But it was like, it was a trajectory I was on at some point, and then it changed.
Speaker C:And that's kind of what I, Yeah.
Speaker C:Am curious to talk about.
Speaker C:And I. I remember arriving to the desire to have that conversation in part through a reflection of, like, how I perceive you, Maru.
Speaker C:And then through also, like, an ongoing conversation that Erin, Deira and I have been having about, like, the tribe and the ego and resource and value and expression and creat.
Speaker C:So we'll see how those threads come together.
Speaker A:Yeah, Yeah.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:This is, I think, such, like, a.
Speaker B:It feels important to my life at the moment because I'm, like, in the process of, like.
Speaker B:I think what collaboratory has been, like, really helping me with, like, like, explicitly is around, like, the themes of, like, visibility and vulnerability and like, being seen.
Speaker B:But I, you know, I'm like, reflecting on how that just feels like it's step one.
Speaker B:Like, sharing yourself with other people is like, the first step, and then the second step is, like, kind of almost expanding the capacity to.
Speaker B:To, like, receive or to, like.
Speaker B:It's like when I.
Speaker B:When I'm allowing myself to be visible, there's almost like this, like, giving.
Speaker B:Like, giving thing that I feel like is happening.
Speaker B:And I really struggle with, like, receiving.
Speaker B:I don't know about you all, but, like, there's just a lot of stories, Christianity, Christian stories, you know, stories about, like.
Speaker B:Yeah, about, like, wealth and service and all these things that kind of just get, like, mixed up.
Speaker B:And so it's like most of my life has been like.
Speaker B:Because I do this, like, work of, like, helping people.
Speaker B:Like, that should come, like, from the goodness of my own heart.
Speaker B:And, like, I don't like the resource.
Speaker B:It's not important.
Speaker B:It's just like, it's material.
Speaker B:And, like, the material is, like, irrelevant to, like.
Speaker B:And it's not.
Speaker B:And it's taking me.
Speaker B:I'm like, 38.
Speaker B:It's taking me like, this long to, like, get to the place where I'm, like, having this conversation.
Speaker B:But, yeah, like, similarly to what you said, Kelsey, it's like from the outside looking in, I. I wonder if people think that, like, my resourced life, like, my financially resourced life is maybe more put together than it is, but, like, the actual reality of, like, my financial resource life is, I mean, precarious at moments only because we live under capitalism.
Speaker B:And I think, like, that's the big thing.
Speaker B:Like, if we didn't live under capitalism.
Speaker B:I actually, like, everything is great.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I guess I'm.
Speaker B:I'll just kind of leave that there.
Speaker C:And see if you guys are you with the powerful distinctions today.
Speaker C:Man, that's the second time I was like, something you said somewhat passively.
Speaker C:I was like, oh, that distinction.
Speaker C:So clear, precarious.
Speaker C:Only because of fucking capitalism.
Speaker A:I think that one of the things that has happened for me with, like, being introduced to human design and.
Speaker A:And astrology before that is the shedding of these stories.
Speaker A:I think that capitalism and Christianity goes so well together, so great, and they feed off of each other because there's this constant pursuit for this perfection and place, mysterious place that no one can actually point to me on a map where I will be perfectly resourced only after I do so much labor.
Speaker A:Will not be worried, quote, unquote, or, you know, because I'm good.
Speaker A:Then I will get to go spend eternity in heaven with, like, whoever.
Speaker A:Both of them feel like such death cults to me in that I am not.
Speaker A:I'm taking.
Speaker A:I'm taking my presence and my energy away from what I'm doing in this moment, when it's the only time that I have access to, in my case, because I am a generator, that resource.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, it is here and now with me.
Speaker A:I am, like, running after these ideas of, like, oh, I should have this much in the bank.
Speaker A:I should have this much invested.
Speaker A:I should have this much, you know, in whatever pockets they must go in.
Speaker A:Then I am, you know, I'm not playing the game anymore in the way that they want me to play the game anymore.
Speaker A:And I feel like that is at the same time scary because I live within still these, like, structures that have been created for all of us.
Speaker A:And at the same time, I'm like.
Speaker A:I'm looking at the structure and I'm like, your foundation is kind of fucked up.
Speaker A:And I've.
Speaker A:That I even want to be a part of it anymore.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Another thing that was coming up for me, and this might be like, Kelsey, I've heard you talk about your privilege with having your sun in Aries in the fifth house and all that.
Speaker A:And for me, I don't know if this is a Venus in taurus in the 10th sort of privilege, that it looks like I am resourced, and I feel resourced the whole time.
Speaker A:And that it has taken just an internal cultivation, you know, that has taken a lot of time.
Speaker A:You know, when I think of resources, I also think of, like, the second house.
Speaker A:And that line is very important in my story, my second house story.
Speaker A:And just this experience of being destabilized is one that has been, you know, it's been a threat through my life.
Speaker A:You know, immigrating, living in, you know, living in Venezuela at the time that I did that, immigrating to the States, becoming, you know, a player.
Speaker A:You know, it's like characters almost, like, just coming here and, like, playing this part that I came to play of, like, just go to school, get your degree, then everything will be solved after that.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like the American dream.
Speaker A:So it's interesting to like, see the progression of this.
Speaker A:This role that I'm playing through in, like, in my life of just, like, being sort of an example for an immigrant family, oldest daughter sort of moving to the States.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:And, like, shedding these stories that I came in with and, like, within this.
Speaker A:Yeah, within the system.
Speaker A:Like, what my actual part in it Is.
Speaker A:And, like, what part am I willing to play within it as well?
Speaker C:Thinking about, like, the difference between the ideological intention to divest from the old stories, capitalism, colonialism, cross of planning, Christianity, whiteness, and then the actual, like, lived experience of it.
Speaker C:And how many people, it seems, from my vantage point, are, like, stuck right there.
Speaker C:And power view, how disempowering of a place that is to be stuck.
Speaker C:And I'm thinking about something I.
Speaker C:Like I wrote about this a long time ago, like, how we don't decondition from that laundry list of the old, old paradigm shit so that we can then continue to measure our success according to its metrics.
Speaker C:And I think that's a step that I think is either intellectually missing for some people or is it a nervous system capacity thing?
Speaker C:There's not the nervous system capacity to actually step through, or there aren't the literal resources.
Speaker C:In this moment, I'm thinking of resources in terms of the way that the human design system has resourced me with the way of thinking and conceptualizing that isn't those old metrics.
Speaker C:So that as I'm actively going, no, I don't want that.
Speaker C:I don't want to be successful according to that shit's.
Speaker C:Like you said, Marva, that shit, that foundation is question mark.
Speaker C:Not sure I want to build a life based on that.
Speaker C:But what?
Speaker C:But what?
Speaker C:But what?
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:And so, like, for me, this is how I talked about human design a lot early on, is like, it created a ground for me to step my foot onto as I was stepping away from the foundation, the ground that was this old system and this paradigm and everything I was brought up and taught and conditioned to understand myself within the context of.
Speaker C:Because it's one thing to be like, no, I can I see the rotation.
Speaker C:That is that.
Speaker C:And that was like, a huge part of what the collective assignment was with Pluto in Capricorn.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:Was like the rot of that getting exposed.
Speaker C:And we saw such an intellectual and political awakening to that.
Speaker C:But then I think, like, yeah, my kind of assessment, my sense is that there's a lot of people stuck there that don't feel that they're resourced, don't feel that they have the power to actually, like, take the step to.
Speaker C:Because of the class that I'm about to teach with Jess, I'm thinking about it through the terms of, like, take the step to recover from their codependent relationship with the state.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, I. I think, like, what I'm hearing is that there is a cost and a risk in, like, stepping into, like, a new paradigm, into, like, new stories, into new worlds.
Speaker B:And I wrote something earlier today, like, after our converse, like, we were having a conversation earlier, the three of us and some other folks, because I get, like, sometimes I feel like other people's incarnation crosses are really clear and I get really stuck on my incarnation cross, which is a left angle cross of uncertainty.
Speaker B:And I'm like, what the.
Speaker C:You're uncertain, are you?
Speaker A:What was that?
Speaker C:You're uncertain about it, are you?
Speaker B:I'm uncertain, but I'm like, am I impacting other people?
Speaker B:Am I bringing them into uncertainty?
Speaker B:Am I uncertain?
Speaker B:Like, what is this?
Speaker B:But for some reason, there's like something that you said, Maru, about, like, we need to be more greedy.
Speaker B:You said that this morning.
Speaker B:Like, you want us all to be more greedy with our desires.
Speaker B:So I wrote this and I have not read it back to myself yet.
Speaker B:So it.
Speaker B:Who knows how it's going to land, but I'm going to read it right now.
Speaker B:So I wrote that we have to sit with the reality that we just don't know.
Speaker B:Our feelings, our desires, our needs point us toward uncertainty.
Speaker B:We don't know what follows them.
Speaker B:We cannot predict what's on the other side.
Speaker B:So most of us stay in certainty and what we can grasp and what is stable and safe.
Speaker B:Because the unknowable would take us to places that might cause upheaval.
Speaker B:But our feelings, desires, needs are real and they want to be expressed and they want to be made manifest.
Speaker B:They want to be seen and they want to be big.
Speaker B:The uncertainty isn't a block.
Speaker B:It's actually a portal to a life of fullness, of abundance, of generativity.
Speaker B:Developing intimacy with our emotions, with our desires, with our visions asks us to face the parts of ourselves, our stories, our relationships, our practices that want to be released.
Speaker B:It feels relevant.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:What's your relationship to uncertainty?
Speaker B:Oh, God.
Speaker B:I mean, I feel like the thing that I always say is, like, I don't know, like, I don't know.
Speaker B:Like, I.
Speaker B:It's not that I feel like, uncertain with my decisions.
Speaker B:Although, like, oftentimes with like a defined, you know, solar plexus, like, there is this, like, sense of.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I don't quite know where my emotions are going to take me.
Speaker B:There's always uncertainty in the emotional journey.
Speaker B:I have this Taurus sun, Leo rising.
Speaker B:There's a lot of fixedness in my chart, and so I don't really, like, change too much, even though I also have a lot of Gemini, Pisces.
Speaker B:There's also a Lot of fluidity.
Speaker B:There's this constant push and pull between.
Speaker B:I just want to stay in what I know because it feels so yummy and good.
Speaker B:I don't want to leave the grass in the park, in the sun.
Speaker B:Feels so nice to just, like, lay there.
Speaker B:And there's also, like, okay, but there's like, so many other places to see.
Speaker B:But then, like, if I go to those places and I have to, like, leave what I love and.
Speaker B:And so, like, the uncertainty is, like, what's going to wait?
Speaker B:Like, what's waiting for me when I get to that new place?
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:And that's scary.
Speaker B:Like, and so sometimes I don't want to go towards the uncertainty.
Speaker B:Not because.
Speaker B:Not because I don't believe that it's like the next right place for me, but it's just because it's like, oh, like, there's just going to be so much transformation that's required to move from where I am to where I need to be, where I want to be, where I hope to be, is this, like, inner process that is like, might take me to the depths, might take me to death.
Speaker B:Like, might take me, you know, like, into the void.
Speaker B:Like, I'm.
Speaker B:Will I come back?
Speaker B:Who knows?
Speaker B:Who will I come back at?
Speaker B:Who knows?
Speaker B:You know, like, there's just this, like, deep sense of, like, I don't know.
Speaker B:But I also know that, like, that I don't know is like, the place that, like, all of, like, my creativity comes from, that, like, new life comes from, that possibility comes from, that dreams come from.
Speaker B:So, yeah, it's this, like, very uncomfortable relationship with uncertainty that is like, I would rather not.
Speaker B:And yet it's like, all that I am.
Speaker C:The relationship between uncertainty and resource.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:That's like, the relevance that I'm finding and this question that it seems like we may have set out to explore together of what actually is resourcedness and part of the collective story maybe that's embedded in so many, if not all of us that's like, begging to be renegotiated right now.
Speaker C:Is that resource equals certainty and certainty equals safety.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Like, as the conversation's been going, I'm hearing, like, this thread, like, there's a very quote, unquote, certain end to pursuing, you know, pursuing a career, pursuing a career path, pursuing a family, pursuing moving to another place.
Speaker A:You know, like, there's places where that can take you.
Speaker A:I think that the space that especially human design invites us into is that in which we don't know what's going to happen.
Speaker A:You know, if 70% of the world one day wakes up and realizes, fuck, I don't want to go into work today and actually doesn't go into work today, you know, like, like what happens when me, when I wake up and I'm like, I don't wanna, I just don't wanna do it.
Speaker A:Like what could happen is that I'm fired, you know, and then I am in search of another gig and like, I have to move through that myself.
Speaker A:I think that there's something like every single position that I have had in which I am making a salaried, you know, good amount of money that I'm insured, that I'm all of these things, I end up being fired anyway because things change and there's really nothing that can be promised to me.
Speaker A:You know, they can tell me we're going to pay you $5,000 a month in insurance and like, you know, they can still decide a week later to retract that and be like, actually sorry, we've not, like we're not going to do that anymore because of whatever reasons.
Speaker A:And I think that there's something in the inhabiting of uncertainty that it doesn't have to be like, because I feel what I've gotten stuck into before is just like solving mode.
Speaker A:Like how can I solve for this and alleviate this stress that I have of the, of these ideas of like, you know, this is not enough, that is not enough.
Speaker A:And so it's sort of like for me, re educating my Ashna and just being like, thank you for those thoughts.
Speaker A:It's been very helpful in the past.
Speaker A:And also like right now it's not really relevant for me in our lives.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker C:Have you experience?
Speaker C:Like I'm just like thinking.
Speaker C:I keep talking about how just the way I perceive you, Maru, is like part of what led me to suggesting this convo between the three of us.
Speaker C:And I'm just like, yeah, kind of curious to make space for your own self perception around that stuff because so I'm talking, I talk a lot about how for me there's been this massive divestment in trying to obtain.
Speaker C:You've talked a lot about that obtainment that I think about a lot as the hamster wheel.
Speaker C:People are just stuck on this hamster wheel of if I just get this, if I just get this, then I'll be happy, then I'll be satisfied, then I'll be safe, then I'll be secure.
Speaker C:And that's what waking up is to me is realizing like, oh, it's a hamster Wheel, Something has to change to cut me out of this loop, to get off of that hamster wheel.
Speaker C:And for me, like, human design has been one of the most profound tools in interrupting that pattern over and over again.
Speaker C:So much so that it's not the pattern anymore at this point.
Speaker C:And the thing that I experienced that I've shifted into is a divestment from those old metrics and an investment into my, like, I really feel like the thing that, as I'm talking to my own mind of like, thank you for that thought, thank you for that question.
Speaker C:But.
Speaker C:But.
Speaker C:But it needs something else to refocus on.
Speaker C:And so for me, I, at least the way I conceptualize it retroactively is very much like, I recalibrated to peace.
Speaker C:And it wasn't easy and it didn't happen in a day, but over, like, a relatively small amount of time, actually, I have become fucking free because I measure everything according to my pe and it's led me to completely shift my mental conceptualization of what being resourced is.
Speaker C:And so, yeah, I meant to phrase that as a question for you, but, yeah, I'm curious about your own experience of that, both of you, but I have already have this whole idea in my head of you, Maru, like, calibrating to satisfaction and really attuning to your sacral and it leading to this freedom.
Speaker C:And so I've been just.
Speaker C:I feel like I'm assuming it.
Speaker C:I also feel like I have witnessed it a bit in watching you over some time.
Speaker C:But yeah, I'm just kind of curious to hear about your.
Speaker C:Your conceptualization of that and your experience of that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:To me, it has felt like my creative process is a big part of that in, like, both helping me dump out all of these stories and ideas.
Speaker A:Like, one of my biggest practices for the first years of, like, studying astrology was to wake up in the morning and like, the artist's way style, just write three pages and like, I can get very good at just like, doing one thing over and over again.
Speaker A:And I feel like it helps me.
Speaker A:I have found that, yeah, like, my satisfaction looks much different now than I would have thought it could look before.
Speaker A:Like, I thought before, like, satisfaction was unattainable unless, you know, I had some sort of, again, imagined security of like, oh, owning a house would be like.
Speaker A:I've always been very insecure about the fact that whenever I meet people who have lived in the same house since they were children and they have all these memories, right?
Speaker A:And they have like, oh, this is the door where we measured so and so's height and like this is where the pet did this and that or whatever.
Speaker A:Like all of those stories that come with being in one space for like decades or like a decade, I feel like I've never really had that.
Speaker A:I don't have a home that I can say.
Speaker A:Like I've grew up there.
Speaker A:I feel for me finding just like finding different stories.
Speaker A:Like, I just really love the idea of me living my best artist life and that's how I've turned it around, you know, like I rent a space, I'm a working artist, I like chop food for my, you know, for the money.
Speaker A:Like I get to make something for people, right?
Speaker A:I go into, into a kitchen, I have a list of things that I could do.
Speaker A:I get to choose.
Speaker A:I want to do this salad, I want to do that salad.
Speaker A:I want to blah, blah, blah.
Speaker A:And then obviously, you know, within limitations in a business that is run by someone that is not me.
Speaker A:And like, I don't know, I get to be in a space where I'm able to play with food and I get to be in a space where I'm able to play and go outside where I get to experience new weather.
Speaker A:I feel like I found a lot of satisfaction in just exploring myself and being exposed to those things willingly as an adult rather than like as a child.
Speaker A:I felt like a victim to much of the situations in my life and the decisions that were being made around me.
Speaker A:You know, I have manifesto father and a generating manifesto mother.
Speaker A:So like the stories that I've been told, it's like you can do whatever you want, you just have to want it.
Speaker A:And like, you know that that conditioning of like initiating as a manifesto does and like have your own business.
Speaker A:Like I did that for a few months and I hated it.
Speaker A:I'm just like, yeah, like satisfaction looks very different for me now.
Speaker A:It's much slower.
Speaker A:I feel like I've calibrated to a satisfact that is actually attainable to me in my, in my day to day rather than these ideas again that have been implanted and it's much simpler, you know, like satisfaction for me in just the last hour, hour and a half was like, I'm gonna go get myself some food before I sit down and, and talk to you guys about being resourced.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:Like I'm like resourcing my body.
Speaker A:We talked about food a little bit already at the beginning of the call.
Speaker A:And it can be that simple, you know, it doesn't need to be.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:I feel like, keep it simple, sweetheart.
Speaker A:It's just like, one of those things that I'm just, like, trying to put into practice and just like, you know, being soft and going slow is not necessarily.
Speaker A:We're not going to get clarity immediately about where that will get us.
Speaker A:But as we are moving forward and towards that which makes us feel peace, that which makes us feel satisfied, I think that things become clearer.
Speaker C:I keep.
Speaker C:Early, when you were talking, I wrote down the idea of satisfaction versus the somatic sensation of it.
Speaker C:And I keep thinking about, like, when we're chasing ideas.
Speaker C:When we're chasing ideas of things, we're just gonna always be chasing something that's not.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And it's, like, not in the body.
Speaker C:It's like, up here.
Speaker C:And that, like.
Speaker C:Yeah, there's something about just calibrating.
Speaker C:I use that word so much, but I just really love that word.
Speaker C:Calibrating and attuning to the present moment.
Speaker C:That's how I get to learn about what satisfaction actually feels like in my body, what peace actually feels like in my body, and what being resourced actually feels like in my body.
Speaker C:I'll leave it there.
Speaker C:Yeah, I.
Speaker B:I want to circle back to, like, the idea of, like, cost and risk because I think oftentimes there's this, like, romantic.
Speaker B:Romanticization of what, like, freedom and, like, liberation will actually, like, feel like.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker B:Oftentimes, like, the loss and, like, the grief kind of get glossed over, like, the hardship of it and that, like, that's not to say.
Speaker B:That, like.
Speaker B:Oh, maybe that's not to say.
Speaker B:That's not to say.
Speaker B:Let's just skip that.
Speaker B:But I mean, I think about myself and, you know, part of.
Speaker B:Part of my life journey right now is like, returning back to my parental home and so living intergenerationally with my parents and my daughter.
Speaker B:And there's a lot of.
Speaker B:There's a lot of resourceness in this home, you know, Like, I am able to create in ways that are expansive because I have, like, the support and care of, you know, two mani gen parents who love my projector daughter and are very willing to be guided by her throughout the house, you know, and so that gives me space to be in my own flow.
Speaker B:And that is not without its, like, interpersonal tensions.
Speaker B:And it's not without.
Speaker B:Yeah, like, still having to hold the, like, the external projections of, like, oh, you're 38 and, like, you live with your parents.
Speaker B:Like, that must mean that, like, you've failed.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Because, like, that's not what we do.
Speaker B:Like, that's not what success Looks like that's not what, like, in the eyes of.
Speaker B:Of the old world.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And so a lot of that is also.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I think it's easy to be like, oh, it's like, wow, it must be, like, so liberating to just, like, work for yourself or, like, be a creative or.
Speaker B:And it's like, yes, it is, and I wouldn't change my life.
Speaker B:And this is, like, what I've chosen for myself.
Speaker B:It's what, you know, my body has brought me to.
Speaker B:And it has many difficult moments, but they're also, like, difficult moments that, like, I've chosen and I've decided to step into for, like, my own transformation.
Speaker B:I don't know where I'm going with that, but maybe you guys can pick up the threads of what I'm doing.
Speaker B:You know, Trying to throw into the mix there.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:I'm remembering you said earlier when you were referencing your relationship to uncertainty, you said going towards.
Speaker C:You don't always want to go towards the uncertainty.
Speaker C:Ugh.
Speaker C:There's going to be, like, so much transformation required that's feeling connected to this.
Speaker C:The cost.
Speaker C:Like, what is the cost?
Speaker C:And I think part of my desire to, like, talk about this in a way that would be accessible for others to tune into is this, like, thing you named about the romanticization of getting free.
Speaker C:Like, I want people to know that there's a cost, and I want people to be more honest with themselves about the deals they're already making in their everyday life.
Speaker C:Like, what?
Speaker C:They're all like, okay, 3,000, 740.
Speaker C:Like, we're all bargaining with reality every day.
Speaker C:Like, you can bargain to appease the mental insistence on the idea of certainty and resourcedness, but that comes at a cost.
Speaker C:And you can bargain to get free, but that comes at a cost.
Speaker C:So, like, which deal.
Speaker C:Which deal are you making?
Speaker C:Like, it's like, part of me is like, I.
Speaker C:Part of it is, like, ego.
Speaker C:Like, I want credit.
Speaker C:Like, give me credit for how far I've come.
Speaker C:You know, I give my.
Speaker C:I do give myself plenty of credit for it.
Speaker C:Like, my life is unrecognizable from what I thought it was gonna look like.
Speaker C:And that, like, that has cost me something, and it has given me something, and I'm very at peace with it, and I feel very free for the most part.
Speaker C:And there's something.
Speaker C:There's this, like, little.
Speaker C:Maybe 39, 55.
Speaker C:I don't know, there's, like, little devil in me that wants to be, like.
Speaker C:Wants to take people who might be watching me and like, having their narratives about why they can't have this peace or why they can't have this freedom and like, wants to shake their shoulder and be like, you fucking can.
Speaker C:And your story about how I got here is not the truth.
Speaker A:It's just reminding me of, like, sometimes your system feels dysregulated because it, it like something dysregulating is happening and telling your system, hey, did you know that all of these stories you've been living under in which you have a perfect career and you take all of the right, perfect steps and you find the, you know, all the perfect companions to go along with you on this thing.
Speaker A:Like, all of these don't.
Speaker A:They don't really exist and they're not true.
Speaker A:Like, it's hard for a body to come into the realization that, like, okay, cool, if I am, if I am looking for satisfaction, like, it is going to take me doing, doing things differently because I'm not feeling satisfaction doing this work that I'm doing anymore.
Speaker A:You know, when I was like, working as an organizer, I was burnt out, I was overwhelmed.
Speaker A:Living under the responsibility of the entire world that groups of, of local organizers put on their shoulders the hopelessness that exist there.
Speaker A:Knowing that, like, our communities are actually quite resourced.
Speaker A:It's about connecting with one another.
Speaker A:But it's so hard to connect with one another when, when you're reaching out and people are lashing out at you because, like, oh, that is just too easy of a solution for me to search for my satisfaction.
Speaker A:Actually, it isn't.
Speaker A:It's quite difficult for me to have to choose, like, do I want a paycheck with the extra hours that I'm making today?
Speaker A:Or is my, my, my truly disgusted feeling of, like, I don't want to go to work today.
Speaker A:That sounds disgusting to me.
Speaker A:Like, I would rather go.
Speaker A:And this is what I did.
Speaker A:Like, I didn't go to work and I instead went to hike for five hours, just like, you know, up mountains and down and creeks and things to see.
Speaker A:And like, I am missing out in some ways the money way, which is ultimately not that important for me anymore, which causes its own issues.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And like, I'm navigating through those as best as I can.
Speaker A:And then, like, I find myself out here and I'm actually, like, wanting to connect with people and wanting to write and wanting to read and wanting to, like, seek other ways to feel good.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, I think that it's like, like Octavia Butler says, with change, you never, you you the only constant there is is change.
Speaker A:And we've been trying as a society for so long to plan our way around it, and it's just not going to happen.
Speaker A:And we're all coming to that realization and how scary that is, you know?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And suddenly, maybe it actually feels safer to have spent the last several years divesting from this system and investing in my body's ability to resource itself with the sense of security and peace than to have put all my eggs in the basket of conventional security and conventional resourceness.
Speaker C:Like, do you guys feel like we're at some kind of tipping point with that?
Speaker B:Can you ask that question from a different angle?
Speaker C:Well, I've started the sentence as like, suddenly it seems this way.
Speaker C:Suddenly it is paying off to have prioritized my inner resourcedness over the way I fit into the homogenized stories of how to X, Y, Z, have money, be a member of society, whatever, whatever, get out of this hole humanity has dug itself into.
Speaker C:But it doesn't feel sudden to me, actually.
Speaker C:So I think by turning it into a question for you too, I was kind of like wondering because I feel so, actually out of tune with like collective pulse right now, which has been an ongoing, a gradual trajectory of mine since, like attuning to self more and more that I'm like, wait, what is happening out there though?
Speaker C:Like, are people realizing that maybe they should take their eggs out of that basket and put it in a different one?
Speaker C:I think it's just like a really genuine curiosity what your pulse is on that as people who have also been in your own journey of like, self attunement and inner resourcing amidst the fall of things.
Speaker B:I think people want to, but I, I actually think people do not know how.
Speaker B:I think it's like what you said before, Kelsey, about like people getting to this point and then just like they're stuck.
Speaker B:Like, there's just like, I don't know where to go from here.
Speaker B:Like, I can tell that this is like a no for me now.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Like my body is telling me no, but like, I don't believe that there could be something for me in whatever the yes is, you know, like, and so it's like, what's the bridge between like the no that, you know, that is in the now that's like tied to a should I should do these things, but it's a no for me now.
Speaker B:Like the bridge to get to the yes is like, I don't know if people A, know how to find it or B, know how to cross it.
Speaker B:But I do sense that like there are more people being like, ah, like, like what now?
Speaker B:And I do think that's part of the reason why we're having this conversation, you know, is like there's like some role modeling happening, some, you know, general kind of like follow us into the next wave.
Speaker B:That's happening for me and you, Kelsey.
Speaker B:Of like, yeah, actually there is, there is a way, there is a bridge.
Speaker B:But it actually, it comes from trusting you.
Speaker B:It comes from trusting your body.
Speaker B:And that is, I mean, what it took me like three, four years.
Speaker C:To.
Speaker B:Really feel the beginnings of like the roots of that ticking solid place, you know, and now I'm like five, six years in and I'm like, okay, but yeah, like I think, I think the collective wants something different, but it's unsure how to get there.
Speaker B:And it's still looking at the old models.
Speaker B:I think it's also what you, what you said about.
Speaker B:Oh, I lost that thought.
Speaker B:Oh, we're still like measuring our success.
Speaker B:Like we're still measuring our way forward using like old metrics.
Speaker B:And so I think what I sense is that people are like, I want that freedom, but I still want to have financial security, but I still want to have, you know, all these other things.
Speaker B:And it's like, well that's actually, that's actually not what's coming along with us.
Speaker B:Like that actually is what has to get left behind.
Speaker B:And like it's, it's maybe the reticence to leave that behind of like keeping you from crossing the bridge.
Speaker B:Like you can't bring everything with us.
Speaker C:Yeah, it's like the deals again.
Speaker C:Like what you are making a deal.
Speaker C:What are you giving?
Speaker C:What are you giving and what are you getting?
Speaker C:Are you aware of that?
Speaker C:That's a really good thing to be aware of generally in your life.
Speaker A:Before I dropped off, I left on like as we were talking about, as you were talking about role modeling.
Speaker A:And I was thinking that like identity and community is something that Felix is very much on the line in making this switch from who we've been.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:To who we could be as a global community.
Speaker A:Yeah, like who we, who are we if we're not, if we're not following these guidelines, then becomes something that we have to self determine.
Speaker A:Self determination is scary as fuck.
Speaker A:It's just scary.
Speaker A:It's just like, you know, like realizing that you are an all powerful being and that you actually have the capacity to, to change your reality whether or not you're a manifester.
Speaker A:Because I think that that's something that can like also be at play here.
Speaker A:It's just like I can change my reality by just seeking my own satisfaction.
Speaker A:I don't need to initiate in the sense that a manifester mind I just to do my own thing.
Speaker C:And.
Speaker A:Yeah, and also like what is identity?
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, if I am not part of this work group, if I am not part of this cultural community, if I am not part of, you know, whatever it might be, like who am I then?
Speaker A:And that feels like a resource that has been put outside of us that very much lives within us.
Speaker C:The 11th as a succedent house.
Speaker C:You're making a lot of connections to me, to 11th House, resource.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker B:Who am I and where do I belong?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I think that's maybe another reason why there's reticence is like, will I be lonely on the other side?
Speaker B:Will anyone get me?
Speaker A:I've been hearing so much your nodal axis in this conversation, Arundira.
Speaker A:And just like that loneliness of like if I stop negotiating with Libra, right?
Speaker A:Like if I start negotiating this, like considering you, considering me and considering our community, then who am I gonna be?
Speaker A:And am I gonna be lonely if I chose to go for my, you know, my Aries?
Speaker A:Yeah, let's fucking go.
Speaker A:Energy.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, go.
Speaker B:I was gonna.
Speaker B:I just was gonna respond to that real fast of like, I think that's been my journey for the last couple of years.
Speaker B:And I think what's been so like healing, you know, to.
Speaker B:For like being in collaboratory is like actually there is.
Speaker B:There are spaces, we're building them.
Speaker B:They might not like exist in.
Speaker B:In like clear form.
Speaker B:And you know, I think that's what we're muddling through in.
Speaker B:In this like collective collaborative space is like how do we get to be our differentiated selves among other differentiated selves and build something together, right.
Speaker B:Like I don't have to give up my meanness to be in relationship with your Eunice.
Speaker B:They actually.
Speaker B:We actually get to build something more expansive, like more.
Speaker B:More, you know, like to use that like more desire, more, more love more.
Speaker B:All of those things when I don't compromise myself.
Speaker B:And when you don't compromise yourself, it's not easier necessarily, but it's more honest.
Speaker C:I just keep.
Speaker C:Yeah, it's Saturn and Aries.
Speaker C:You know, that's.
Speaker C:I know that's not actually where Saturn is presently, but because of the retrograde.
Speaker C:But this is the Saturn in Aries curriculum.
Speaker C:It's like this loneliness thing.
Speaker C:It's like, yeah, you are going to be alone on the Other side, actually.
Speaker C:But the idea of loneliness and the actual lived experience of it are different.
Speaker C:And maybe that's maybe the risk to find out what it actually feels like to be alone in your separate version of godliness.
Speaker C:You want to try that?
Speaker C:And it's like, it's not.
Speaker C:It's okay if you don't.
Speaker C:Like, you're still God, you're still whole, you're still perfect.
Speaker C:If you don't.
Speaker C:If you live this whole life under the spell of capitalism, that's fine, too.
Speaker C:But at some point, for those of you listening who may be the people we're describing, feeling, like, kind of stuck and disempowered in the in between, like, you also can try the other thing.
Speaker C:You also can experiment with, like, leaning into what it is to be in your.
Speaker C:Like, you might not know yet what it is, what it means to, like, live a life that, you know.
Speaker C:I feel like.
Speaker C:Yeah, I think part of where I'm.
Speaker C:I'm struggling in our conversation right now is like, I feel like we're talking about it.
Speaker C:I'm talking about it from this kind of esoteric conceptual place of, like, prioritize your peace, trust your body, like, calibrate to your satisfaction.
Speaker C:And it sounds.
Speaker C:That sounds abstract, but it's not.
Speaker C:It's not abstract.
Speaker C:It's very concrete in your body.
Speaker C:If you actually.
Speaker C:And I think there's ways to access this outside of, like, watching life through the lens of human design.
Speaker C:And I haven't found any of those ways.
Speaker C:Like, I haven't found anything as.
Speaker C:As, like, tangibly transformative in my body as the.
Speaker C:This information to help me, like, renegotiate my perception of reality as it's being told to me through my body.
Speaker C:And so, yeah, there's, like, something I'm wanting to, like, grab right now and, like, bring down.
Speaker C:Like, I can feel myself wanting to be like, all right, here's the heresy, here's the fire.
Speaker C:And I don't know exactly what it is, but it's like, we're not.
Speaker C:I guess I'm just wanting to name, like, we're kind of.
Speaker C:We're in this left angle cross place right now, right?
Speaker C:You were naming it earlier, Aaron dear.
Speaker C:Like, this is left angle shit.
Speaker C:Where, like, the role models here, the heretics, the generals, are here.
Speaker C:We're here to tell you it doesn't have to be this way.
Speaker C:And it might not be easy, and you might not always like it, and it's definitely not going to be what you think it is, but it's possible.
Speaker C:And if you're ready to stop lying to yourself about how trapped and powerless you are, then it's possible.
Speaker C:Let's go.
Speaker C:We're doing it.
Speaker C:You know, there's like.
Speaker C:I'm wanting to like, yeah, I'm wanting to.
Speaker C:I don't know what it is if.
Speaker C:I don't know if it's like we're very, we're in a very left, like left angley place.
Speaker C:I don't even fucking know what I mean by that.
Speaker C:But I'm.
Speaker C:Yeah, I'm just more.
Speaker C:I'm.
Speaker C:I want to.
Speaker C:Yeah, I want to hear more.
Speaker C:I think this could be a direction we could go.
Speaker C:And just like, what has it actually been?
Speaker C:Like, what's the cost you've paid?
Speaker C:What have you, what have you traded in in order to.
Speaker C:Or maybe even before that a question is like, are you free?
Speaker C:Do you experience yourself as financially free?
Speaker C:Do you experience yourself as resourced?
Speaker C:And what does that actually look like?
Speaker C:And, and how does that differ maybe from what you thought it would look like?
Speaker C:Like, that's like.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:I'm curious to go there.
Speaker A:As we were speaking before though, before I get into that, I was thinking of like the second house and it being where we find resource in one of the places that we find resource and how it's unseen from the first house.
Speaker A:So there's just.
Speaker A:From the astrology point of view, there's a built in requirement of just like you just keep walking and that second house is gonna be there.
Speaker A:Oof.
Speaker C:Ooh, that is so good.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker C:It's a blind spot.
Speaker C:And it's supposed to be a blind spot.
Speaker A:It's supposed to be that because you're like the way that the universe resources us is or I experience it resourcing me to just make it more specific to me.
Speaker A:It's like I, I will just tell myself the story that I'm gonna go get this tattoo and I'm gonna have enough money to go get that tattoo and like live my life as if nothing happened or be a part of this experience of collaboratory, right.
Speaker A:Make this investment in myself, my creative pursuits and my studies in like human design and astrology and that will resource me as I am resourcing the space.
Speaker A:Also, I was thinking about like pinatas and how there's just a bunch of, you know, all different resources in there, right?
Speaker A:Like chocolates and candy and all sorts of things.
Speaker A:And like, you have to blind yourself and take swings.
Speaker A:Blind, blinded.
Speaker A:You know, you don't see where it is and you're just doing your best to feel out where this, this pinata of, of just yumminess that you hope to hit and then be able to take from.
Speaker A:That's just sort of two images that were coming into my mind.
Speaker B:That feels so like, spot on to my current experience.
Speaker B:So thank you for giving me a little bit of like, metaphor, visual metaphor.
Speaker B:I mean, I'll speak quite plainly about my trajectory.
Speaker B:I, you know, I feel like I was raised, I mean, I think we all were, but like, I was raised very much in, in church and.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker B:Parents immigrated to the US through education.
Speaker B:So there was also this like, sense of like, you, you climb the staircase of education, right?
Speaker B:And I did that.
Speaker B:I went to college, I got married at 22, did my first master's and I, I ended up finding my way into like the Episcopal Church.
Speaker B:And you know, listeners or yourselves are familiar.
Speaker B:Like the Episcopal churches was here at the inception of the United States.
Speaker B:You know, it was the Church of England that came over and, and so it's, it's really built into like the, the DNA of this country and, and thus colonialism is built into the DNA of the Episcopal Church.
Speaker B:And I was going to go be a priest and I was quite.
Speaker C:Pedestal.
Speaker B:I suppose that's a good word in this, in this journey.
Speaker B:I mean, there was like a lot of expectations put on me as like a young brown, you know, person that I was going to come along and like, save this institution from its like, decline.
Speaker B:And I, along the journey, like, just could not buy in, I couldn't buy into, into the like, expectations that were going to wait for me on the other side of my coordination vows.
Speaker B:There was a trajectory that was laid out for me, you know, like becoming a priest, maybe becoming a dean.
Speaker B:People wanted me to be a bishop.
Speaker B:Like explicitly we're told these things, like we, we want you to move up in power so that you can like change things from this like, high up place.
Speaker B:And I got to a place where I was like this, this institution that says it wants to change but cannot actually change in praxis.
Speaker B:You know, like words and actions is like burning me out.
Speaker B:Like, I, you know, I shared this in the other episode with Noah of like, my body was like, like alarm signal blaring, like, you must leave.
Speaker B:You, like you are not going to make it if you stay in here.
Speaker B:Your body is going to like, take a heavy toll.
Speaker B:And yeah, you know, like walked away from like not just a salary, but like, I walked away from prestige.
Speaker B:Like, I walked away from people knowing my name.
Speaker B:I walked away from people, yeah, from like being invited into, like, rooms with, like, power.
Speaker B:And ultimately was like, that is.
Speaker B:That's not how we.
Speaker B:That's not actually how we get free.
Speaker B:That's, like, our ideas of, like, power require a transformation.
Speaker B:Because if that, like, if my body being in this, like, debilitated place is, like, how I get to, like, access, like, change, like, that's.
Speaker B:That, like, that's not gonna work out well for me.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I mean, it was terrifying.
Speaker B:It was terrifying to leave a job that provided me with a pension and a salary and insurance and in some ways, like, purpose, you know, like, my purpose was really tied up in that.
Speaker B:In that community, in that institution, in that organism, and to just, like, walk away from it.
Speaker B:Like, people didn't understand, and I didn't know what I was doing.
Speaker B:Yeah, I was like, my call, my business spirit school, when it first started, and it was just like, I don't know what I'm doing, like, throwing spaghetti on the wall and am I gonna make any money?
Speaker B:And I, you know, I. I will admit, or maybe not admit, but I will acknowledge that, like, where I am would not be possible without, like, the care and support of my parents, you know, and so there's, like, significant privilege in.
Speaker B:In having family that was, like, willing to take on some of that risk with me and continue to take on some of that risk with me.
Speaker B:And I feel very, you know, blessed to have parents that are just, like, we don't know what you do.
Speaker B:They don't understand what I do, and yet are still willing to like, be.
Speaker B:Be in that, like, rhythm with me.
Speaker B:But, yeah, like, very tangibly, like, letting go of many.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Of many things.
Speaker B:And having people look at me like I was, like, losing my mind.
Speaker C:A thread I'm pulling from that is, like, the concept of choice and this, like, I'm.
Speaker C:This Framing this all as, like, we are what.
Speaker C:It's the cost, and what deal are you making?
Speaker C:Like, that.
Speaker C:That feels exciting to me.
Speaker C:I like that thread as.
Speaker C:As.
Speaker C:As a diff.
Speaker C:As just a thought experiment, I guess.
Speaker C:But part of what I was really able to relate to in your story was my own leaving the field that I thought I was gonna be in forever, which is public education as a high school music teacher.
Speaker C:And, like, was shocked that I wasn't gonna keep doing that, but it.
Speaker C:As much as it didn't, like, this is crazy.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker C:I don't need to give all this context.
Speaker C:It didn't feel like a choice to me when it was time to go.
Speaker C:It didn't feel like I am now choosing to leave this job and leave everything that comes with it.
Speaker C:Like the fallacy of control, the fallacy of certainty, the, the idea of career culmination.
Speaker C:Like leaving that job did not feel, if it was a choice, I wouldn't have done it.
Speaker C:Like, it wasn't a choice.
Speaker C:My body was like, done.
Speaker C:Yeah, done.
Speaker C:And the same thing would happen.
Speaker C:Like after I left teaching, I was like kind of part time teaching for a little bit and kind of running a community healing arts nonprofit in Chicago.
Speaker C:Like starting that up and kind of starting to be a yoga teacher and kind of starting an astrology business.
Speaker C:I was like playing with a bunch of things at once.
Speaker C:And the same thing would happen where my body just like would not resource me for the thing I thought I was supposed to do.
Speaker C:And it would, sometimes it would literally look like opening my laptop, looking at my emails, looking at my to do list and like doing nothing, you know, and like this, this is.
Speaker C:Yeah, this piece feels important to me because we get caught up in the fallacy of control and the fallacy of choice and we get caught up thinking I should be doing something other than what I'm doing.
Speaker C:And I just don't think that's ever actually true.
Speaker C:Like, I'm always searching for the exceptions to that rule.
Speaker C:I'm always searching for like, where might I, what might I not be seeing yet?
Speaker C:I don't want to overly universalize that.
Speaker C:The idea that we should ever be doing something that we're not is like, Is not true.
Speaker C:But I haven't found, I haven't found the exception yet.
Speaker C:Like we just think ourselves can't.
Speaker C:It's the hamster wheel.
Speaker C:It's different.
Speaker C:It's a different application of the hamster wheel.
Speaker C:Go Margot.
Speaker C:You got something?
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm just thinking about how like we are.
Speaker A:We can find more access to those resources that we have by saying no and by taking ownership over that, over the power of actually being like respecting that no and not trying to argue with it and be like, but you need to be productive today because X, Y, Z, we need to make this much or we need to get to this point.
Speaker A:Which is all very real worries.
Speaker A:You know, I've been working in the service industry ever since I left my organizing, since I let, I was let go from my last organizing position.
Speaker A:You know, I feel like there, you know, there's, there's much secure ways in which I could have gone around to making a living, but I've ended up doing it in within the service industry where, which you know, exposes me to a lot of People and a lot of ways to go about asking and receiving services and being asked from and like, navigating that.
Speaker C:Kitchen.
Speaker C:Shit.
Speaker A:Sorry to say, it just like having to navigate people's want for food and me having to set a boundary where it's like, I just don't have the roasted chicken that you want, you know, and like having to navigate that disappointment for and with people and just being like, but here are these other options that you do have and that might, you know, satisfy the craving that you're having.
Speaker A:I think that.
Speaker C:A metaphor right there.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:It's just like training.
Speaker A:I wrote something here about, like, training your creative.
Speaker A:Your creative sick.
Speaker A:Just.
Speaker A:Just ways of imagining your life that can be so much more.
Speaker A:Fulfill.
Speaker A:Fulfilling.
Speaker A:That the stories that we're telling ourselves about how it is not enough, but, like, we can change that.
Speaker A:It is a story.
Speaker A:And those stories we have, we are all three of us proof already that those stories can be changed.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:The results are still being studied.
Speaker A:Seems like most of us are, like, feeling some sort of.
Speaker A:Some sort of peace, some sort of satisfaction with the places that we're at, even if, you know, we have to navigate other people's desire for us to have whatever thing they want us to have because they think that that is what being serious means.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's interesting.
Speaker A:It's interesting to like, try and tease out which parts of those desires are ours versus which parts are not.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah, the piece that's kind of like coming up for me and it.
Speaker B:I don't know if we've touched on, per se, but what you were sharing, Maru, like, you're like images of, you know, just kind of like walking.
Speaker B:And then the resource will find you.
Speaker B:And looking at that and there's a.
Speaker C:There's a.
Speaker B:There's a large degree of trust that that involves.
Speaker B:And I. Yeah, I guess I think what I.
Speaker B:What I want to say is, like, it's taken me like, five, six years from, like, waking up to really, really begin to feel that trust.
Speaker B:And I. I guess I say that because, like, I know we all kind of want things to happen quickly and we all have our own, like, timelines and stuff.
Speaker B:But for me, like, that trust of, like, if I just say yes to my body, if I trust my body, then that's the trust that the resource is like, right around the corner.
Speaker B:That's still, like, there's like, still like a mental, like, body, mind, body, like, disconnect that's, like, starting to connect.
Speaker B:But I think that's one of the hardest ones, right of like, we've been told that, like, I have to work like this in order to get resource.
Speaker B:And it's actually like, just I could actually maybe work in a totally different way and be resourced, but, like, my body still doesn't quite trust that, or my mind still doesn't trust that.
Speaker B:I should say my body knows it, but my mind is still, like, I don't know, if you show up like that, you might get rejected, and then no one will want to pay you for, like, the things that you offer instead of, like, just being like, oh, no, my body wants to do this.
Speaker B:And, like, my body will find a way to resource me in.
Speaker B:In the ways that I meant to be resourced.
Speaker B:And the ways that I meant to be resourced are not necessarily like.
Speaker C:They'Re.
Speaker B:They are sometimes just enough.
Speaker B:And that's the other thing.
Speaker C:That is the other thing.
Speaker C:I've been thinking about the.
Speaker C:The word enoughness a lot in this call too.
Speaker C:And I remember there was, like, a moment where I had to.
Speaker C:I had to let.
Speaker C:I had to break up with the concept of abundance because there was something about it that just felt so, like, nebulous and ungraspable to me.
Speaker C:And I was, like, trying to lean into this idea that we can change our reality, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker C:And like, something about it just felt not in my body.
Speaker C:Something about it just felt like it wasn't.
Speaker C:It didn't fit into my truth in the moment, but I didn't want to abandon it completely because I knew there was something to it.
Speaker C:I just didn't.
Speaker C:I couldn't find the entry point for me to experiment with it in a way that was right for me.
Speaker C:And the.
Speaker C:The stuff that I heard people saying about abundance and, like, manifestation with money and stuff, like, it's just like, I. I don't know that I thought it wasn't true what they were saying, but it just, like, wasn't right for me.
Speaker C:And I remember one of the ways I kind of bust through that stuck point was in shifting from trying to call abundance in into trying to recognize enoughness.
Speaker C:I can picture the room I was in, and I can't remember what cards I pulled, but I can picture that it was tarot inspired, this moment of shifting.
Speaker C:It had to be a queen, perhaps the queen of pentacles.
Speaker C:And yeah, in this moment, I'm thinking about one of those cliches about manifestation and abundance being about focusing on what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have.
Speaker C:And I'm thinking about how our bodies are always resourcing us for the moment that we're experiencing in the present.
Speaker C:And how the idea of focusing on what you have instead of what you don't have, There is truth to that.
Speaker C:But once again, it's not about the ideas of have and have not.
Speaker C:It's the embodied experience in the present moment of what you have.
Speaker C:And I'm just thinking about, like, yeah, enoughness.
Speaker C:Something about enoughness feels so much easier for me to, like, play with and hold in my heart and to acknowledge, because abundance for so many of us is a pipe dream, or at least we've been programmed to understand it in that way.
Speaker C:But enoughness, I've always had enough.
Speaker C:I can relate to that.
Speaker C:I've always actually been okay.
Speaker C:I've always actually had the resources that I needed.
Speaker C:I've never really known exactly how they're gonna keep coming to me, and I've never really had the idea of abundance, but I've always had enough.
Speaker C:And so in calibrating to that, that, to me is like, yeah.
Speaker C:Somehow synonymous with, or at least parallel with this journey that I have been referring to as like, calibrating to my pe Peace.
Speaker C:I wrote down earlier in our call too, like, what do you want to be resourced for?
Speaker C:What is it that you want to be resourced for?
Speaker C:Because if it's not this dying world, what is it?
Speaker C:Do you even know?
Speaker C:Might you be resourced for that right now?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker C:Something about presence.
Speaker C:Sorry.
Speaker A:No, it's okay.
Speaker A:The part about trust and presence, I feel like the only way, like, trust is built, even with, you know, these universal forces that we are moving with.
Speaker A:Like, I feel like there was a point in which I just made the switch in my head that I.
Speaker A:That I'm.
Speaker A:I'm just going to be trusting.
Speaker A:And it might sound insane to ears that are not ready to hear it, but I will trust that as I am finding a way through that feels good for me, that on the other side of that, I will find myself also sufficiently resourced to do the things that I love, to care for the people that care for me and I care for and to, like, give to others in a way that no longer feels as it has felt in the past.
Speaker A:That doesn't feed me back.
Speaker A:I think that there can be so much loneliness in the.
Speaker A:In, like, realizing how much we've been giving and, like, overextending ourselves for the achievement of whatever we're trying to achieve, whether relationally or professionally.
Speaker A:Like, there is heartbreaking knowing that other people are not there to meet us, you know, Especially when we have wanted at some point or another to have those people be a part of our lives, whether that is through an institution or through like our one on one relationships and like close ones.
Speaker A:There's just something about trusting that like our bodies are the best navigational systems for, for this ride that we're on that cannot be like engaged with and argued with.
Speaker A:Like it has to be felt into and presence from like this.
Speaker A:I don't know, my trusting space feels like still and steady and like when I am able to connect to that, in the moments that I like get really in my head about the shoulds or should nots of my current moment in time, I'm able to swing back into that of just being like, okay, is there an actual threat to my life right now?
Speaker A:And if there isn't, like, I can, I can carry on and I can like trust my navigational system to carry me through.
Speaker C:Give your body a chance to show you is what I wrote down.
Speaker C:The relationship, the trust, like, yeah, the trust needing to be built.
Speaker C:That felt so big.
Speaker C:Like there's a, it's, I mean it's as simple as there's a reprogramming happening and you have to give your body, you have to give your mind a chance to catch up with it.
Speaker C:But as you're waiting that out, there is this like persistence, this discipline that's required.
Speaker C:You have to keep showing up every day, building trust with your body, building trust with your sacral response, building trust with your prioritization of your peace or your satisfaction or whatever.
Speaker C:It is like building trust that you are uniquely the only one who can verify what this body is showing you.
Speaker C:And so it's like this, this tender balance between the patience of it as you watch the gradient of your life change from the old metrics to the new ones.
Speaker C:There's so much patience required, there's so much transformation required, as you said, arindira.
Speaker C:But like, along with that grace, giving, that patience, that allowing, that release, there also does have to be this commitment, this devotion, this discipline.
Speaker A:Not for the faint of heart.
Speaker C:But it's available.
Speaker C:It's available if you want it.
Speaker C:And it's no better.
Speaker C:It's no worse.
Speaker C:I think it's better.
Speaker C:I like it better.
Speaker C:I choose it every day, you know.
Speaker B:I would choose it, yeah, over and.
Speaker C:Over I choose this free fall literally every day.
Speaker C:But like, it also doesn't feel like a choice, like I said, and it's fucking worth it, you know, and at some point you just get bored.
Speaker C:At some point you just get bored of the old pain, and you go, okay, let me try the new one.
Speaker C:And I happily have traded in the pain of not knowing for the, like, actual felt sensation of freedom every day of my life.
Speaker C:Is that the end?
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker A:Feels pretty complete to me.
Speaker B:Oh, wait.
Speaker B:When I say the last thing, Maru.
Speaker B:You wrote it in the chat, but you didn't say it.
Speaker A:Oh, trust.
Speaker A:That's the resource.
Speaker B:I think that's the.
Speaker B:I think that's the end.
Speaker A:Sam.
