Episode 2
The Power and Price of Authenticity ~ with Steph and Kelsey
Drop in with Steph & Kelsey for a juicy exchange about creativity, emotionality, and authenticity.
They reflect on:
- the intersections between the emotional and the creative processes
- being surprised by what’s growing inside
- the transmuting of self rejection
- the emotional manifestor experience
- the power and the price of authenticity
…and much more.
🧪 This episode's Lab Partners:
- Kelsey — 5/2 Emotional Manifestor
- Steph — 2/4 Emotional Manifestor
You can find more about them—and their other lab partners—at kelseyrosetort.com/labpartners, including bodygraphs, natal charts, and ways to connect with their work.
💖 Stay tuned: New episodes of LAB PARTNERS are released weekly-ish, usually on the Moon’s day.
Intro & Music by Noah Souder-Russo
Transcript
The laboratory is a space of intimacy and mirroring.
Speaker A:I'm just gonna rip with it and anyone wants to come out, something's happening.
Speaker A:I was just thinking that.
Speaker B:A lab.
Speaker A:Partner is someone who I can share my incomplete, uncooked, unfinished work with.
Speaker B:Laboratory feels like a laboratory in general is a womb space for all of.
Speaker A:We are mothering and creation.
Speaker A:I'm having an embodied experience.
Speaker B:Vibrant in.
Speaker A:This container so far.
Speaker A:Relating in ways that feel energetically congruent for me.
Speaker A:Relating to other people and relating to myself and in collaborative community.
Speaker A:As a human who helped me find the lightness and like the humor.
Speaker B:The creative process is fucking dope.
Speaker B:And also it's fucking like humbling to fall apart and be witnessed by all of us.
Speaker B:An incubator, a place to generate, to.
Speaker A:Initiate, to guide, to mirror collaboratory stretching my capacity.
Speaker B:Lab Partners is a behind the scenes conversation series amongst eight folks who are in a season of experimentation with creativity, authenticity, relationship, collaboration and visibility.
Speaker B:We are letting you in on our processes as we unpack them together.
Speaker A:Each of us speak the language of human design and some of us astrology too.
Speaker A:These frameworks for awareness have supported our embodied differentiation and relational understanding.
Speaker A:We invite listeners to observe us through these lenses too.
Speaker B:Today's conversation is between me, Kelsey, I'm a 52 emotional manifestor.
Speaker A:And me, Steph, I'm a 24 emotional manifestor.
Speaker A:You can learn more about our astrology and designs in the show notes and even find out more about us and the other collaborators@kelseyrosetort.com lab partners.
Speaker B:You have such a good introductor, introducer voice.
Speaker B:Is that a character you were trying.
Speaker A:On A little like hearkening back to like NPR admiring days, you know.
Speaker B:Cool.
Speaker B:Well, listeners are kind of dropping in sort of mid conversation with us because we've been on a call that was meant to have a different purpose and showed itself to us as the time for us to record our lab partners convo.
Speaker B:And it's like mid conversation today, but it's also mid conversation on this like bigger arc that we've both been feeling through for weeks at this point.
Speaker A:We attempted before I had the impulse to invite Kelsey to share.
Speaker A:Just very curious about her whole process as a fellow emotional manifestor also and my.
Speaker A:My guide through much of that journey for myself.
Speaker A:Just so curious about the gestation.
Speaker A:Well, the initial urge for collaboratory and then the gestation of it and now it has been birthed and yeah, where it is now according to how you're experiencing it.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So Steph asked me some really lovely questions and we recorded.
Speaker B:And then I had a whole.
Speaker B:I don't even know what to call it, so I think maybe I won't try to name it.
Speaker B:Yeah, I had a whole, like, really vulnerable experience trying to put words to what Steph was asking, but it was like when I was in a. Yeah, really, like, vulnerable, sensitive state.
Speaker B:And so the conversation.
Speaker B:Yeah, I guess the theme between our two convos are, like, convos that end up having different purposes than we went into them.
Speaker B:Meaning to which I guess we can just go ahead and acknowledge that we are coming live from the middle of eclipse season, which is part of what's happening here.
Speaker B:Too murky and like, yeah, intentions getting eclipsed by something else that needs to be somatically experienced and isn't what we meant for to happen.
Speaker B:But it brings us to today where we have, like, some new clarity on what's feeling alive and ready to be witnessed and captured, even though it's, like, ready to be witnessed, still very much in a state of process, whatever that means.
Speaker B:And, yeah.
Speaker B:So let's try to name for listeners this thing we've spent the last half an hour naming between us about what our intention is for this conversation.
Speaker B:Do you want to name it?
Speaker A:No, you start.
Speaker B:Okay, I'll start.
Speaker B:That's fine.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker B:Just being cognizant of how much I've talked already and trying to create space for you to talk to.
Speaker B:But sure, I'll start by naming.
Speaker B:Yeah, we're still gonna have this.
Speaker B:This loose intention for Steph to learn about and for me to talk about and for anyone listening to get to hear about what it was like to gestate and Birth Collaboratory as its initiator, as well as what it's like on the other side of it now that we're like six, seven weeks into meeting together in this capacity and what that's been like for me and I guess the whole process of being transformed by it as it moved through me in all the stages, including the one where it's a whole ass child living its own life now, but also inviting Steph to share where she is with her own process of gestation in a specific creative project that is more in the beginning stages of coming through.
Speaker B:And I think, like, yeah, the common ground we keep finding is, like, emotions and the role that emotions play in that, which is always the case for us as emotional authority beings, but feels like, especially loud and prominent right now during the murkiness of eclipse season.
Speaker B:We're just, like, really in the swirls.
Speaker B:And also, I think we're both reporting from like, I think like the binary of clarity, non clarity is one that I don't actually think it's that simple.
Speaker B:But I think my assessment of where I'm at and where I hear you're at is like we're both experiencing a lack of clarity primarily in this moment.
Speaker B:And so that's where we're like inviting you into our process is like typically it feels more comfortable to wait until there's clarity to communicate about what we're making.
Speaker B:And the moments where there's not clarity can feel especially vulnerable to be witnessed in.
Speaker B:But it's also oftentimes part of the process is like getting to talk about it and feel through it and be witnessed in it.
Speaker B:Yeah, I keep thinking about our shared second lines and like the vulnerability of don't look, I'm not ready yet, the thing's not ready.
Speaker B:But then also your fourth line.
Speaker B:And I don't know what it is for me, but the need to.
Speaker B:I think it's like just motor throat stuff for me.
Speaker B:Like the need to talk it through and get it out and be witnessed in it is often a significant part of the alchemy of me, like moving through the murkiness and coming to these moments of fleeting moments of clarity.
Speaker A:I'm finding it drawing me further down the road in the process too.
Speaker A:The check ins and the, you know, ever so slight supportive pressure, which I know you felt some self consciousness around, but it, it does create the movement that I.
Speaker A:That kind of drew me in to collaboratory.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:In the beginning.
Speaker B:That's all that's like such a good insight about how it is to operate with emotional authority from my understanding is like, it's an awareness authority.
Speaker B:So it's like the, the thing anchoring us to our trip through the Maya to our truth.
Speaker B:One of the ways I conceptualize authority is like it is an awareness.
Speaker B:Like emotional authority is it's awareness.
Speaker B:So it is like to an extent based on some kind of like understanding.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And because it's the wave, it's understanding that clarifies over time.
Speaker B:And so I always think of like everything I experience throughout my wave as like a data point that I need to feel through.
Speaker B:And so being like in the murkiness, having some kind of structure or push or like rhythm or timing or something, checkpoints with each other, externalizing with each other, whatever it is.
Speaker B:It's like we're not doing that because there's clarity, but doing that informs the things that we need to feed through our system in order to feel through all sorts of things that eventually all those data points provide the information needed to ascertain that awareness.
Speaker B:Does that make sense?
Speaker B:Uh huh.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:It begs the question for me to your process here, Kelsey.
Speaker A:Like, you have.
Speaker A:Have you gathered.
Speaker A:Do you feel that you have gathered a shit ton of data and for how long?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:If it's okay to segue into your process.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker B:I appreciate that.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:So when we were talking earlier, you mentioned how recently I said something about emotional manifestors.
Speaker B:Like, oh, no, actually, we're slow as fuck.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:And you were referencing that.
Speaker B:And I knew we were about to have a conversation about how did collaboratory come to be?
Speaker B:And it made me write down in my notes, the upload is the whole life.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:He's like, when did, when did I start uploading collaboratory?
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:The moment I was born, I think, honestly.
Speaker B:And obviously that's a grandiose statement and there's ways of answering it that are much more like, dealing with chronological time in a more measurable way.
Speaker B:But I can really feel the way that collaboratory is at the intersection of, like, who I've always been and where I'm sensing that I'm going.
Speaker B:And it's like, at the intersection of those two things in a way that I don't understand.
Speaker B:And maybe I shouldn't even try to articulate it because it feels very inarticulable, but it does feel like, I guess, yeah.
Speaker B:One of the things I'm wanting to say here is that the more I decondition and the more I relax into, like, my organic way of moving through the world, which is less and less reliant on homogenized structures for understanding about what creating is, what teaching is, what being a guide is, what serving others is, what these exchanges are supposed to look like.
Speaker B:The more I'm released from all of those prisons of shoulds and prior understanding and conditioning, the more my work just feels like me.
Speaker B:And so collaboratory just really feels like me too.
Speaker B:It feels like me.
Speaker B:It's like this is the thing I wanting to experience right now.
Speaker B:And so I had a.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's.
Speaker B:It's been building forever.
Speaker B:But to try to answer it a little more succinctly or literally.
Speaker B:Maybe not succinctly, but literally.
Speaker B:I've been wanting for, like, a really.
Speaker B:I, I.
Speaker B:The beginning of my deconditioning via my human design experiment was a lot of retreat and hermitting and pulling away and isolation.
Speaker B:And it feels like it was both serving the purpose of, like, attunement to Self finding my home frequency and kind of detoxing from ways of being in relationship and in interaction with the outside world that are not right for me and are not sustainable for me and aren't me.
Speaker B:But it also did feel like it was like a self protection thing.
Speaker B:Like I needed to close my heart off a little bit and make myself less available and like hermit out in a truly self protective way that I, that needed to happen.
Speaker B:And then there was a point, at some point in the last like year, I want to say that I was like, okay, this like self protection phase is starting to be this calcified closed heartedness.
Speaker B:And I, I don't want that.
Speaker B:Like I'm ready to put myself back out there.
Speaker B:I'm ready for the tenderness, for the vulnerability.
Speaker B:I trust myself more than I ever have.
Speaker B:So I trust that, that even if I have moments of like feeling like I'm experiencing harm or trauma or being misunderstood or whatever, all the things are that are painful about relational experiences in my form.
Speaker B:I trust that I'll be able to recover.
Speaker B:I trust that I'll be able to come home to myself.
Speaker B:And I trust and I know that if I want to experience like the next level of my creativity and the next level of my impact, that's not gonna happen in this isolation that I've been in for so long.
Speaker B:And I am gonna need to like push myself out of my comfort zone a little bit and kind of like go to rehab for collaboration.
Speaker B:And so that's what collaboratory is.
Speaker B:It's like after it was, it was after it came to be.
Speaker B:The language in an Akashic records reading came through that like I created collaboratory as exposure therapy for myself.
Speaker B:So that language is how I'm thinking about it a lot now.
Speaker B:But I think I did know that from the beginning that like I was ready to have an experience with other people who wanna make things and who wanna make things together.
Speaker B:But I wasn't ready for like some kind of really high stakes version of that where I'm investing all my manifester initiation and a lot of my time and energy into something that's like equally owned.
Speaker B:Like I wasn't ready to give up.
Speaker B:I don't even know if it's like a give up ownership thing.
Speaker B:It was like I'm not ready to invest.
Speaker B:Like, so I put everything of me into what I do and I wasn't ready to put everything of me into something that was like a fully horizontal, team dreamt initiated thing.
Speaker B:So it came through as like, like it's part we're collaborating and making something together.
Speaker B:And it's part.
Speaker B:Here's some value I know I can add, which is like creative mentorship and one on one support in using a creative project or multiple creative projects as the arena for one's human design deconditioning experiment.
Speaker B:And then it was also part like for me just exploring what it's like to create with people in a more differentiated way.
Speaker B:And the exposure therapy part is like, I'm ready to be pursued perceived.
Speaker B:I'm ready to be vulnerable.
Speaker B:I'm ready to mess up as I learn to walk again, to use the rehab metaphor.
Speaker B:But I still want it to be in a cocoon that feels safe.
Speaker B:And you seven feel like a safe cocoon to me, as do the terms of this container.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So I guess everything I've shared here, it feels clear, but it feels very like this is how I mentally understand it.
Speaker B:Yeah, I want to make space for anything you want to say about that.
Speaker B:But I'm also wondering, are you also wanting to hear like the actual what the felt sensation of like, oh, this is coming.
Speaker B:Oh, I'm making.
Speaker B:This is.
Speaker B:Because I realize I haven't talked about that at all.
Speaker A:Yes, please.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:All right.
Speaker A:If you're ready for that.
Speaker B:I think I am.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:So yeah, the actual experience was like, I think it has to be like three years ago or so.
Speaker B:I had this vision for something called kairos, which I talk about kairos a lot.
Speaker B:K A I R O S is a Greek word.
Speaker B:Ancient Greece had two words for time, Kronos and kairos.
Speaker B:Kronos is how we understand time now in modern society, chronological time.
Speaker B:And kairos is the quality of time.
Speaker B:And we don't really talk about it that way, except if you're an astrologer, you do, because that's what astrology is, the quality of time.
Speaker B:And so I had this idea for like a collaborate network of creators that had some kind of structure, but it was very temporal in that it was attuned to seasonally what feels alive.
Speaker B:And what are these group, what are the individuals that make up this group want to be creating right now?
Speaker B:So that part of the vision has been around really clearly for a long time.
Speaker B:I also did co found and co direct a healing arts nonprofit for like four or five years of my life or something like that.
Speaker B:So that all was a predecessor to this vision as well.
Speaker B:The new one just feels a little more like digital and.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's been there for a long time.
Speaker B:And I was just within the last year, I was starting to Feel like, okay, I need to do something like this.
Speaker B:But I didn't have clarity at all on what it actually looked like.
Speaker B:And I know from, from my pre Saturn return years of just initiating willy nilly, I knew that it wasn't ready, that whole big thing wasn't ready to be initiated.
Speaker B:But I could feel like something's coming, I have to do something.
Speaker B:I don't wanna work alone anymore.
Speaker B:I can feel that the next thing coming through me is collaborative.
Speaker B:It's not gonna be just another I'm teaching something, I have a group offering.
Speaker B:And I don't mean to minimize that either because those, all those urges of past classes and group experiences were like very alive and real and fresh as they were coming through.
Speaker B:But I could just tell the next thing was not going to be that because I had this need for a more collaborative experience that like stretched me out of my comfort zone and required me to apply some of the things I've been learning in a real embodied way, which fast forward to the next part of the convo about how it feels now is terrifying to actually be going through it.
Speaker B:So what actually happened was I started talking to people about it.
Speaker B:I started discerning.
Speaker B:Okay, I kind of have a sense of who might be part of either this or something like this in the future.
Speaker B:And I was thinking about how weird it was to be having these visions and be in the marination process with specific people and for them to not know that.
Speaker B:So I was like, let me start telling people that I am having this vision and that I think they might be a part of it.
Speaker B:And that's a whole can of worms because there's a lot of vulnerability in that.
Speaker B:And there were some undesirable experiences that came from that, but they all have informed more and more emotional clarity.
Speaker B:But yeah, so like I thought it was gonna be, I thought it was gonna take three or four different forms before it became clear that this is what it actually was.
Speaker B:And I didn't find the clarity on finding out what it actually was until I had had a lot of conversations with people who may have been stakeholders.
Speaker B:And yeah, the actual moment of its coming through was like it was very unplanned.
Speaker B:This is how it almost always is for me.
Speaker B:Like things marinate, marinate, marinate.
Speaker B:And then one day there's a blank Google Doc in front of me and it's getting a lot of information about what the thing actually is.
Speaker B:And it like really is like channeling.
Speaker B:Like it really does just like come through.
Speaker B:Here's the info.
Speaker B:All the like, specifics and logistics, that.
Speaker B:That felt like a block up to this point.
Speaker B:They don't exist anymore.
Speaker B:Cause I have this moment of like, oh, this is how it'll work.
Speaker B:This is how it'll work.
Speaker B:And it's not always that singular.
Speaker B:Sometimes it's like one piece of it becomes clear, and I write it down, and then I get blocked really quick.
Speaker B:And I kind of just learned at this point that when the.
Speaker B:When it stops flowing and it feels like a bl.
Speaker B:It's just like, close it, come back when it's time, open it up, read what you had, and keep going.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I don't want to overly romanticize the moment where the download makes its way to paper, because I don't think it's always quite like that, but at least it always has the sensation of that to me, where it really does kind of feel like the floodgates open.
Speaker B:And, like, here it is.
Speaker B:Here's the info.
Speaker B:So, yeah, when I think about how it came through, I just have this throwback to the moment that I started making the document that you eventually saw and felt drawn to.
Speaker B:And the documents, I feel like I just, like, imbue them with the energy of what the thing's gonna be.
Speaker B:Because as an innocent, motivated, emotional manifestor, I don't actually fucking know what the thing actually is.
Speaker B:I can just do my best to give you, like, an energetic blueprint of it, and I find that that works.
Speaker B:Like, the right people find it that way.
Speaker B:But, yeah, let me stop there, because I can still feel I'm not quite getting to the thing.
Speaker B:So maybe there's, like, a maybe.
Speaker B:Yeah, Maybe you want to guide me towards.
Speaker B:If there's other pieces of it that you've been curious to hear about or if it's just bringing up.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What it's bringing up.
Speaker B:As you are reflecting and watching your own process of creative gestation right now.
Speaker A:The Russian nesting dolls has been coming to mind of the.
Speaker A:You know, you are.
Speaker A:You kind of have this urge to create this womb, this container that is for you, and also invited us into it.
Speaker A:And we are all our own wombs.
Speaker A:We've been talking a lot about wombs lately.
Speaker A:And the.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So just feeling into that.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker A:The document that you sent.
Speaker A:I recall receiving it and not knowing what it was, but knowing what it was having, you know, feeling the.
Speaker A:Into the frequency and, you know, feeling the surge, the urge through my own body of like, yes, this is.
Speaker A:And I had been.
Speaker A:I actually, I had.
Speaker A:I've said this before, but, like, I had been kind of praying for a womb, and it sort of arrived as that to me for.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So it's so cool.
Speaker A:This is sort of like this intergenerational thing that I.
Speaker A:That I always feel so obsessed with, which is like, you know, since you were born, you've had this.
Speaker A:You've been becoming you, and now here you are in your creative expression.
Speaker A:This is you, and you are holding us, and we are creating.
Speaker B:Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous.
Speaker B:I feel like the title of this episode might be we've been talking a lot about wombs lately.
Speaker A:Indeed.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Wow.
Speaker B:I love that connection because, yeah, this is how I think about the fifth house, right?
Speaker B:It's like that which I create has my DNA on it, right?
Speaker B:And, like, so, yes, collaboratory is me, because I created it, it came through me.
Speaker B:So it has my DNA on it.
Speaker B:And you bringing in the intergenerational stuff is so interesting because the fifth house is a place where I'm very comfortable.
Speaker B:It's where my sun, Mercury and Venus are.
Speaker B:My exalted Aries sun privilege that I like to reference is in a fifth house place.
Speaker B:Saturn is currently retrograde out of Aries, but was in Aries at the start of this, and Saturn in Aries is a defining transit of this time where collaboratory is taking place.
Speaker B:So I'm really seeing my Saturn in my fifth transit is me getting very clear on what it is to initiate and only initiating that which is clearly me, but also it's my Saturn opening square to my return.
Speaker B:So there's also this level of testing out what I've learned in my post Saturn return life.
Speaker B:And it also feels like being able to lend my own expertise isn't quite the word, but, like, seasoned knowledge about what it is to create to others who are in this safe womb space with me.
Speaker B:And, yeah, I love that, like, what you make in this season that we're working together, it's got your DNA on it because it's your fifth house, what you're creating, but it is also kind of the granddaughter of mine because it existed, at least in part, in my collaboratory womb, which I'm just.
Speaker B:Now I'm thinking about all these things, like, that happens so much for me.
Speaker B:Like, I have several.
Speaker B:I've joked before that I have several podcast grandchildren, because people who meet in, like, places that I've initiated something, that's why they're there, go on to create more things.
Speaker B:And I think, yeah, like, part of what collaboratory is for me is also, like, okay, I know now, like, Saturn in the fifth, like, I know now what I want to create.
Speaker B:And so how can I set up my work in a way that fully acknowledges what I now know from years of watching my frequency and years of watching my organic movement and what creating is like for me and what being a teacher and a guide and working with people is like for me.
Speaker B:Like, collaboratory is like, me just doing that and not worrying about it, fitting the other stuff, which is part of what makes it, yeah, I think, confusing and scary for all of us to an extent, because we're like, what is this, though?
Speaker B:And when in the past, it would have maybe been nice to shy back into the perceived mental boundaries of how we're supposed to show up in this space and what your relationship to me is supposed to look like and what to others and how we're accountable and what we owe and don't owe each other?
Speaker B:We've intentionally entered a space, knowingly or not, where, like, all that shit is blurred and all that's left to rely on, therefore, is our own fucking authority.
Speaker B:And, like, here's the difference between when it was coming through and what it's like to actually experience it.
Speaker B:For me, like, that sounds so heavenly.
Speaker B:And intellectually, like, fuck, yeah.
Speaker B:And I still feel that way about it intellectually, but, like, watching my body actually go through what it's like to leave behind the safety.
Speaker B:The perceived safety of those parameters has been really intense.
Speaker B:And I think that that's being experienced to an extent by others in the group as well.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker A:I mean, that's for sure.
Speaker A:I'm experiencing, like, a big death of my professional identity that I've had for the last, like, 12 years and kind of have been in this process with.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:How can I be more me and really honoring of who I am in the ways that.
Speaker A:Well, and especially through the lenses of human design, which I speak much more fluently than astrology.
Speaker A:I'm so new to all of that, and I so have appreciated your guidance and many of the.
Speaker A:Many of our fellow lab partners as well.
Speaker A:But, yeah, as a way to see me.
Speaker A:As a way to see, like, okay, who am I really now?
Speaker A:And, yeah, what am I.
Speaker A:What am I birthing?
Speaker A:I'm birthing me, obviously.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, that's the creation.
Speaker A:I'm coming.
Speaker A:That's coming through.
Speaker A:But there's a death that is coming of the.
Speaker A:Of the olds.
Speaker A:That is happening right now.
Speaker A:And while the new.
Speaker A:And I really wanted to bypass that.
Speaker A:And I'm grateful for the container that is holding me through the process where it feels like, yeah, I mean, it's not.
Speaker A:I kind of talk about it usually as, like, it's type two fun.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, it really is, you know, so rich and, like, being together in community.
Speaker A:It also feels so supportive, as you know, to be witnessed.
Speaker A:We're.
Speaker A:We're all getting chances to be witnessed every day and every week.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:We're doing some extreme fucking work inside of this container together.
Speaker A:Yep.
Speaker B:And it's, like, both so exciting and, like, peace giving and grounding in a way.
Speaker B:But it's also, like.
Speaker B:It's also.
Speaker B:And maybe because it's eclipse season right now, it's also, like, really destabilizing.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Which is.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:We're finding out how okay it really is and what the.
Speaker A:I mean, it's kind of like the.
Speaker A:I wanted to say something like the price that we're paying for the authenticity that we are emerging into.
Speaker A:And actually, it's a price that I want to pay.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:Burns out.
Speaker B:Yeah, totally.
Speaker B:That resonates a lot.
Speaker B:So, yeah.
Speaker B:What's it been like for you?
Speaker B:Because.
Speaker B:Okay, so if we trace.
Speaker B:If we trace it.
Speaker B:I don't know why the word trace is coming to mine, but, like.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Inside of the womb of collaboratory, something is seeding for you, and you've already ridden so many waves on it.
Speaker B:You articulated earlier that, like, this is the.
Speaker B:I think you said the first time that you're really, like, watching.
Speaker B:So you've been through the gestation process with creativity and initiation.
Speaker B:So many, like, uncountable times, but this is the first time you're watching it with, like, this level of awareness.
Speaker B:What's that like?
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Particularly my emotional authority that it is not just.
Speaker A:Or because I have had parts who have perceived it as a block.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like, it's.
Speaker A:It stymies the path forward because I get into, you know, a low.
Speaker A:And then the uncertainty and the.
Speaker A:Never mind.
Speaker A:And then.
Speaker A:Many projects have not moved forward before, and this time it's a real.
Speaker A:I've been very surprised.
Speaker A:I was sort of shocked at, like, what is growing in my womb, which is this character that I am portray or.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:That is the embodiment of the divine feminine with a quirky, like, British accent and, you know, kind of finding this new way to do therapy with people, having been a therapist for so long, but burning out in the way of, you know, it's just not quite the what my what my what I need energetically.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I've been sort of.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Delighted, surprised, and also dismayed.
Speaker A:So it's good to have the process of.
Speaker A:I've now tracked very specifically being with you all, because we all.
Speaker A:I know.
Speaker A:You know, there is a realization that we all speak these languages.
Speaker A:We all know we have the pages, you know, clearly marked.
Speaker A:When everybody's talking in collaboratory, we can turn to the page and see our astrology and our human design.
Speaker A:And so we can easily track.
Speaker A:Oh, yes, reminder.
Speaker A:Steph has emotional authority.
Speaker A:And so it's been great to just know that so I don't have to.
Speaker A:I don't have to educate anybody about it.
Speaker A:And I can also feel very tuned into it myself and be aware, be the passenger and realize, oh, yes, now I'm on a high.
Speaker A:Oh, yes, now I'm on a low.
Speaker A:Ah, there is.
Speaker A:And this is not only like an inconvenience, like some parts would say, it is actually part of the process.
Speaker A:It is the gathering of the data.
Speaker A:So, yeah, this is.
Speaker A:That has been a very inspiring process in that way of.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Allowing, observing, taking in, incorporating.
Speaker A:Ooh, what's next?
Speaker A:Like, the richness, you know, the soup you've spoken about, too.
Speaker A:It is a soup that has been simmering and it has stayed.
Speaker A:I've been surprised in moments that, like, this particular creative project is staying.
Speaker A:It has confused me in some moments.
Speaker A:And now there are also times where I come back again and again with you all, and especially when you're reflecting back the astrology and the human design and like, oh, my.
Speaker A:It makes so much sense.
Speaker A:Like you were saying at the beginning, too, like, when did this start?
Speaker A:When I was born.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:It is.
Speaker A:Turns out this quirky character is an expression of me, and that is what I'm creating.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:Yeah, you and I were talking a few days ago about, like, self rejection and how, like, so many manifesters.
Speaker B:I mean, I want to say all of us, but.
Speaker B:Well, at least all the manifestors on this call right now have some pretty core wounds around, like, rejection and our stuff, the stuff that moves through us getting rejected.
Speaker B:And how there's this, like, possibility that I presented that.
Speaker B:It sounds like you've done some alchemy, like, heavy alchemy around this in the last few days that actually when we stop rejecting ourself, it matters a lot less how the shit that moves through us is going to be received by those outside of our closed auras.
Speaker A:Yeah, certainly I'm feeling inside myself just this, like, mounting, growing trust that just like.
Speaker A:Yeah, just, you know, trust that I had this realization that I shared with you all about the.
Speaker A:We're here to know our impact as manifesters.
Speaker A:And at first I was getting hung up on that because it was like, who is going to get that?
Speaker A:This, who?
Speaker A:This is so weird.
Speaker A:And that's, that's something I have often felt as a manifester.
Speaker A:But yeah, really moving through as I took kind of an impact inventory and really came to the realization of like, mind blowing.
Speaker A:Oh, I'm here to know my impact me.
Speaker A:Which to me means a couple of things.
Speaker A:Like, I'm here to be impacted by this impact.
Speaker A:I'm also here to just, you know, be bold and weird and put out the frequency and like, it doesn't, you know, as.
Speaker A:As much as I'm here to know my impact.
Speaker A:What I discovered in my impact inventory was also like, no, no, no, it's not numbers.
Speaker A:There is kind of a quality of it and a, in a depth of it that I can track.
Speaker A:I can see that as I, you know, kind of really become curiously aware.
Speaker A:And so when I, when I kind of went through that whole process and really let go of the numbers thing, I really arrived at freedom.
Speaker A:Ability to let go.
Speaker A:And yeah, trust, as cheesy as that might sound, it's like the embodiment of that has been my experience over the last few weeks.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I'm like thinking about the connection to that freedom that you're accessing, that peace, you might say, and this heightened level of awareness with which you're able to watch your emotional process through.
Speaker B:Because, like, I'm trying to see if I'm gonna be able to find the words for this.
Speaker B:Like, when we're in the emotional process and those like, less desirable parts come up, it's so easy to like, wanna suffocate them.
Speaker B:Because our mind is trying to, like, it's stuck in the good, bad.
Speaker B:Like, oh, if I'm having uncertainty and doubt about this creative project, that must mean that I shouldn't do it.
Speaker B:Or like I have to chase away or distract myself away from these uncomfortable feelings.
Speaker B:But when you can see the emotional process for what it is, which is like, it's a data gathering process, you allow yourself to be informed by what you're feeling in the low.
Speaker B:You allow yourself to be informed by the doubt and the uncertainty and the vulnerability and the shame and the embarrassment and the what if no one gets it?
Speaker B:And all that's doing is adding more data.
Speaker B:And it's not mental data, but it's adding more.
Speaker B:I love the soup metaphor, which I got from John Martin.
Speaker B:It's like adding depth to the aroma of the clarity.
Speaker B:And that's why I say it started, I mean, intergenerationally it started in the womb space of my ancestors collaboratory did this character of yours did right?
Speaker B:Because as emotional authorities, like, we are always brewing in emotional awareness.
Speaker B:And when we move from that, when we let the wholeness of the emotional experience guide us, it's taking everything from our entire lives into consideration.
Speaker B:Not in a way that we can, like, mentally calculate and understand, but in a way where we can feel that, like, growing feeling of trust that you articulated.
Speaker B:We can feel like, oh, this is being guided by this other dimensional, fucking robust, aromatic knowing.
Speaker B:That is my emotional authority.
Speaker B:And I'm just thinking about, like, how, like, this thing you keep mentioning of your surprise, you're keeping surprised.
Speaker B:Like, this is it.
Speaker B:This is how it's coming through.
Speaker B:And then it's still here.
Speaker B:It's still here.
Speaker B:Like, and I think about how much we suffocate.
Speaker B:We, like, try to.
Speaker B:We just.
Speaker B:Yeah, we don't let the way that the clarity wants to move through out because of whatever it is in the center is, like, because of the doubt, because of the insecurity.
Speaker B:But when the doubt and the insecurity is there and you just kind of like, relax your shoulders into it and go, okay, this is here today, it stops being a threat, and it starts being information that can clarify and add depth to what's actually coming through.
Speaker B:And I. I think part of me loves and part of me hates the experience of being, like, constantly surprised by what's actually coming through.
Speaker B:But I do think there's something like, yeah, there's something deeply liberating about it because it takes the pressure off me to get it right.
Speaker B:I'm not trying to get it right.
Speaker B:I'm just trying to show up honestly, in the moment with, here's what I'm clear on, here's what I'm not.
Speaker B:And I'm trying to give myself, especially in this phase of my life, I'm trying to give myself the opportunity to be collaborative in that process.
Speaker B:Here's what I'm feeling.
Speaker B:What are you feeling?
Speaker B:What do you see?
Speaker B:Now that I know how to unplug and recalibrate to myself?
Speaker B:And now that I can, like, trust.
Speaker B:And this is part of what I'm working out with collaboratory, too, is like, how can I trust my rhythm as a manifester?
Speaker B:And the sense of closedness that is there and the sense of protection over, like, the urge and the idea, because nobody gets it outside of me, and that's part of why our auras are closed is like, yeah, no, you're the sole conduit.
Speaker B:You're the sole womb for this thing.
Speaker B:And you're not meant to be impacted and influenced.
Speaker B:So that's like a big part of what I'm working out.
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:Okay, that's true.
Speaker B: fucking channel of community: Speaker B:So it's a lot of what I'm working out is like, how can I honor my mechanics and honor my closeness and honor myself as the sole conduit for everything that grows inside of me without cutting myself off from love and connection and receiving, you know, and collaboration?
Speaker B:So, yeah, I'm like trying to be in this more collaborative place where I can like touch, touch in with you all and let.
Speaker B:But it's like, yeah, it's interesting because I'm not really looking for response kind of input, but I am looking for that like everything that I.
Speaker B:Every piece of feedback that I get from all of you, whether it's based on where you're at in your own process or based on what you are and aren't receiving from me, do and don't need from me, are and aren't receiving from the experience, do and don't need from the experience.
Speaker B:Like, that's all more information that feeds my wave.
Speaker B:And then I have to come back, deal with all the like, relational rejection, wounding stuff that shows up in connection with people and re attune to myself, get back integrity with myself and trust my emotional authority to know how to move me forward and trust you all to keep doing that same process for yourself.
Speaker B:And now, like, that's fucking, I mean, it's how I operate.
Speaker B:So it doesn't sound like a big deal, but I know that it's radical because I've not had that experience with other people in this kind of setting ever.
Speaker A:And we're experiencing that it is actually possible in this setting.
Speaker A:I mean, so far, and I don't have any real doubt.
Speaker A:Like, I just feel really confident.
Speaker A:I'm trying to check this out if it's, you know, overconfident, but I don't think it is.
Speaker A:I, you know, I believe that so far what we've experienced is that, yeah, you, you've gathered and probably let's say this like a small enough, safe enough, you know, low stakes enough container, you know, where we get to practice.
Speaker A:And we all know we're practicing.
Speaker A:We all.
Speaker B:It's a lot of grace giving us.
Speaker A:That's right, you're informing us as you go and that is, you know, encouraging us to keep doing the same thing.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Which is like, you know, be honest, be witnessed, you know, be who we are and.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Exchange.
Speaker A:Exchange.
Speaker A:Grace.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I'm wondering, like, wanting to, like.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What does that.
Speaker B:What's it like to have that?
Speaker B:I feel like the.
Speaker B:I can't find the right words, but the setting.
Speaker B:That setting for you to really allow the current creative seed that's within you, like.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's the womb.
Speaker B:The womb of collaboratory, as you just described it, is in the DNA of your experience as you're allowing this new project to come through.
Speaker B:And so you are almost forced to.
Speaker B:I don't know if that's the right language, but we'll certainly say you are expected to and supported in really giving yourself the space to have the full spectrum of experience.
Speaker B:And because we are not.
Speaker B:Because we've created a climate together.
Speaker B:Yes, I initiated it, but I don't actually believe that any of the other seven people inside of this container have anything less to do with creating this climate that we've created together.
Speaker B:Like, it was already created.
Speaker B:Like, we were creating it together before I.
Speaker B:Before it came through me in words.
Speaker B:I believe that.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:Which is a real lesson for me in manifestor initiation.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's not for us, and we're not.
Speaker A:You know, ruling over it.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:With some, you know, some heavy dictator ish rules.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Which I, you know, I'm.
Speaker A:I'm loving your.
Speaker A:Your modeling of that and also, you know, feeling into that and having tracked that, too, with my own initiations outside of this container and then with this current one of, like, you know, I have.
Speaker A:We had to talk today just about, like, where I was inspired to, like.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, keep.
Speaker A:Keep bringing it back to the group a little bit.
Speaker A:Keep, you know, informing when I want to.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And then every time I do, there's some little, you know, there's some big or little energetic food that it gets, you know, and that has been so nourishing.
Speaker B:Mm.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I'm just.
Speaker B:I'm so moved by the, like, intergenerational womb space.
Speaker B:I mean, we've been.
Speaker B:All eight of us have been talking about wombs for weeks together at this point.
Speaker B:Jupiter and cancer and whatever else.
Speaker B:But, yeah, I'm really moved by the way you specifically brought the intergenerational piece into it, like, specific to collaboratory as a womb for all of us, and it.
Speaker B:Having my DNA on it.
Speaker B:But everything you all make is grandkids and cousins of the womb of collaboratory.
Speaker B:But I'm specifically thinking.
Speaker B:Okay, I'M thinking about how like.
Speaker B:So I was recently pregnant.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I have a 13 and a half month old.
Speaker B:And yeah, like I've done some light studies and research through my pregnancy and in the time since she's been born on like what the conditions of the womb and how that affects the baby, you know, and thinking about, we together have created this womb of grace.
Speaker B:And that feels like a regulated nervous system.
Speaker B:And so when the nervous system is regulated but also has capacity to get dysregulated and come home again, what is that like just the.
Speaker B:What that opens up in terms of allowing the seeds of our creations to grow.
Speaker B:I don't feel like I'm articulating this clearly, but there's an energy there that I'm tapped into and I don't care if it's.
Speaker B:I don't care necessarily if it gets grabbed.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker A:Yeah, how it struck me just now too is, you know, we talked a little bit about.
Speaker A:For me, I'm.
Speaker A:I've been an IFS therapist.
Speaker A:So all the parts.
Speaker A:Right, all the part.
Speaker A:And it's not only about the wholeness, it is the parts and it is the whole.
Speaker A:And like that's what I feel toward, you know, us in collaboratory.
Speaker A:Like you don't all like you created the womb and you're not alone in the inhabiting it and offering the nourishment, the holding for one another.
Speaker A:Like we're all in the ecosystem.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It's just a conscious acknowledgment of what this matrix of relationality actually is.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yes, yes.
Speaker B:And like one I think has to have been through a certain amount of realization around that and a certain amount of deconditioning around that and a certain amount of gaining self awareness around that to be able to extend the grace that we're extending to one another and like that kind of grace in a one on one capacity.
Speaker B:Such a gift.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Not to be taken for granted.
Speaker B:Maybe not all that common at this moment in the evolution of humanity.
Speaker B:That kind of grace times eight.
Speaker B:Whoa, whoa.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:There is a magical thing.
Speaker A:I mean, you talked about the number eight right at the beginning too.
Speaker A:Do you want to say anything about that?
Speaker A:Might be a good.
Speaker B:Yeah, I guess I don't want to say as much about it as I said inside of our womb space together.
Speaker B:But the number eight to me has a lot to do with divine will and feels like very representative of the experience I have as a manifestor.
Speaker B:Like surrendering to the thing moving through me and surrendering to playing my role in it.
Speaker B:Was it Noah recently used the term God hoarding.
Speaker A:That's right.
Speaker B:Like what we do when we stifle our own creative process, when we stifle our own authenticity, like, who the fuck am I to try to refine how God wants to move through me?
Speaker B:So, yeah, there's something about the eight.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Just understanding that for me, it felt like surrendering to my role in it was representative by the 8.
Speaker B:But also it was just very intuitive.
Speaker B:It just felt like the right number.
Speaker A:Turned on its side, too.
Speaker A:Infinity.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Like the movement of it.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker B:Just as you spoke about it just.
Speaker A:Now, I just felt into the.
Speaker A:The flow of it.
Speaker B:And the eight in the tarot is strength, which is so much of what you were just talking about with, like, all the parts.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker B:Even those parts.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Beautiful.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Is that the end?
Speaker A:That's the end.
Speaker A:I mean, mostly because of time.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:But also that was.
Speaker B:That felt like the right ending.
Speaker A:It was perfect.
Speaker B:Time and feels okay.
Speaker B:Thanks, everyone.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker B:Sam.
